skelebro | ic inbox

Can't blame you. Not one I like taking either.

[ Last time someone threatened her with a knife she lost her hand, so.

She get it. Believe or not, she does. ]

Well. Seems like it was shitty situation all around, but. I still don't hold anything against ya'.

Don't excuse what I did.

[He may as well make that transparent. Connor did say...well, maybe it's like a way of honoring his last wishes. Morbid as it sounds. The last he can do is fucking talk to her like he suggested.]

And, uh.

'M sorry. For that.

[ No, it doesn't. Rose would have forgiven him anyway though, even if he didn't think that. She's... easy like that. ]

Apology accepted, dude. I'm...

I know I didn't have any control over my double, too, but if we're getting it all out there. I'm sorry for her and... honestly? Being kind of distant after the fact, but.

I appreciate you not telling anyone about her. About me.

Heh. Well, she weren't nearly as bad as she could'a been.

[Not sayin' much, all things considered. But it's something. A quick scouring of his memories assures that, no, she weren't unfortunate enough to run into his own.]

She wasn't you. Y'know that, yeah?

That's the worst part, actually. She was. In Haven, that's...

[ 'That's the kind of monster I became. Sometimes, I'm scared I still am.' ]

That's what that place drove me to be.

Buddy, if you think that's the worst thing to be...

[Hold up a sec here. Yeah - nah. Not the kinda time for pullin' the measuring tape in terms of whose sins are most burdensome, in terms of who's suffered the most outta everyone. Mostly 'cause that sorta thing ain't, in his experience, quantifiable in any meaningful way.]

You wanna be that person still?

[ A cannibalistic murdering monster who who betrays her friends? Yeah, that's one of the worst things to be in her mind. So it's probably best he doesn't go there because he's not going to be able to convince her anything is 'worse' at this point after the things she's done and suffered through. ]

No, [ she admits, softly. ] But I'm starting to think I will anyway. This place is testing me, dude.

You're aware of the Point A and the Point B and don't wanna end up crossin' that asymptote. That's further than most people get.

[Further than he ever got. He never set a line of standards for himself; just kinda had a vague awareness, as he continued to slip into a complete and genuine cloud of apathy, that maybe what he was doing weren't real okay, but without any earnest desire to alter his trajectory.

You think, upon becoming aware of your own flaws, that that'll somehow make you impervious to their effects. Only pretty soon it just turns into an advanced form of denial.]

Doesn't feel like enough, most days. Maybe being aware is, like, good in theory but in practice... Doesn't always stop you from doing the same stupid shit.

[ You think. That's the main key here. ]

Done good so far, but... It's getting harder.

How so?

[Only took him a year to go from knee-jerk judgment to questioning the etiology of thoughts like that. Maybe he's grown.]

[ There's a pause as she debates telling him or not. He'd shown that he could keep a secret before, obviously, but... All the people that have known have left through the Door. All that people that could have helped her are gone.

She doesn't think Sans can, but. Maybe. It wouldn't hurt for him to know, if nothing else. ]

Starvation tests a person's willpower, I guess. Been doing alright for almost a year now without feeding, but... I can feel it, sometimes. Driving me a little crazier as the days go on.

['Fraid that yeah, he can't help her much there. Even if he had HP to spare, it's doubtful that a whole lotta bone dust would do anybody good, no matter what her double thought.]

Seem to have been keepin' a pretty good lid on it for a while now.

What's changed?

[ 'Seem' being the key word here. There's a lot that Rose seems to do well with, but... ]

Everyone left.

[ Newt, Hermann, Faith, Kate... Wade might as well have been gone, too, for how much she fucked whatever they had up. She never did figure that out. Maybe she never will. ]

Starting to feel a little more pointless, I think, to try and fight it.

So it's other people that're keepin' you from goin' rogue, so to speak.

[It's other people who ground you. It's Papyrus, it's a pair of scientists who bickered and fought. It's Alphys, shy and stammering and smarter than anyone he's ever known. It's a pair of kids with dark red eyes, who finally got him asking why.]

Don't suppose I'd be the first to tell you that it's a little risky, hingin' everything on one person.

[And don't that make him the biggest hypocrite in the cave, just by saying that.]

It's not one person. It was... a pack, but.

[ They're not here anymore. What's the saying? Better to have loved than lost to have never loved at all?

She calls bullshit, honestly. ]

Maybe I should've just stayed a lone wolf. Things were a lot simpler then.

That a choice you can make?

[A lotta this seems to boil down to choice, ultimately. Choice, and the lack of. It's easy to say that being objective is just real damn simple, and for the best. Harder to implement in practice.

He sure as hell didn't choose to get attached. But lo and behold, looks like he did anyhow.]

[ She used to think it was. But people have a way of worming into hearts no matter how much you choose against it, seems like. ]

I don't know. I thought it was for a while, but then... Haven happened. Now here.

So why get bent outta shape over what you can't do?

[Sure, it ain't really that simple. But what if only helps for as long as it's still tenable. And right now, it sure don't look like it is.]

Could ask that of a lot things people get bent outta' shape over.

I dunno'. Just don't like putting people at risk, which they always are knowing me. Never have.

Lots of people're are a risk to other people. 'S what you do with it that really matters.

[ 'What if you always seem to do the worst fucking thing without meaning to,' she almost says. But that seems... pointlessly pessimistic. ]

Yeah, alright, [ she concedes, after a thoughtful pause. ] Fair enough.

It's just hard sometimes, I guess. Knowing that you being gone would mean people wouldn't even be put at risk in the first place.

Like I said: everyone's a risk.

[Sounds like that might'a been the reasoning that the kids succumbed to, back when they...got a hold of something. Something that would've wiped them clean from the face of the city. Can't quite remember what it was.

Weird.]

You're here now, and you're not gonna be able to change that by tryin'.

So I should just not try?

That what I said?

[There's a faint scritch of ossein against bone as he pauses to scratch at his head.]

Look. I get that you're talkin' to me, and not trying is pretty much just kinda how I do. But I guess I learned a thing or two since I got here. Funny how that shakes out.

[Funny how it was a pair of kids that taught him that.]

So I gotta question for ya:

What can you change?

[ It's what he has said, without always outright stating it. Figured she'd take a page from that book and then it's re-written. The feels like her luck these days. ]

I don't know, [ she admits. Feels like she's tried just about everything at this point. Well. Everything but feed, which sh swore she wouldn't when the Haven to Hadriel adjustment initially happened. ]

Guess that's my problem.

ic inbox

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

Re: voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice; cw: suicidal ideation

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;

voice;